Metaphace

Nom Nom

2011-09-17T13:00:00.001+10:00

Heading to the Melbourne Taste Festival. Weeeeeeee!

Jab Jab

2011-09-06T21:04:00.000+10:00

I had my vaccinations today for Vietnam! My arm is sooorrree!

Can't wait!

Beer Goggles

2011-09-05T17:00:00.004+10:00

Looking at people's fb photos from when they were younger, surrounded by friends at clubs/bars/the beach/travel/road trips, I can't help but feel a little jealous.

When I left the country I came to Melbourne to start afresh, and left everyone behind. That was the year 2000. And it has taken me this long to establish a neat little group of friends. For awhile there, I didn't really have what you would call "dependable" friends. Thinking about it, I didn't allow myself many opportunities to meet new people:

I lived with various sisters on and off for awhile, chopped and changed jobs, went to Swinburne Tafe/University, which wasn't the most social of universities. Some of the friends I did make were homebodies, and for awhile there I was quite poor. Suffering from social anxiety didn't help either, and for ages I felt more comfortable with the idea of staying at home watching movies rather than going out and potentially embarrassing myself.

So, that's why it has taken me so long to find a decent friendship circle....

Ho hum..

2011-09-03T13:55:00.003+10:00

It's sunny outside, but windy :s

There is something about wind that makes me feel a little down. Nonetheless, I have so much to do today. All we have managed so far is a bit of bedroom time, a dog walk near the creek, made Vietnamese Rolls, and lots of Googling and YouToobing of 'toast art' (more on that later).

Tired :s

2011-08-31T11:57:00.002+10:00

I have been feeling so exhausted the last month. I am not sure what it is - it could be anaemia, dehydration, nutrient deficiency, but it needs to stop. I had a psychic reading the other day with Susi and even she informed me that according to the spirit around me and her tarot cards I wasn't sleeping well(waking up every time I turn over) and that I am deficient in something such as vitamin D.

Well let's hope that by the time I go on my Vietnam trip that I am bursting with energy and have lost weight. I have started going to the gym again, doing weights and cardio, so that will help, but I am not sure if I will get to the shape I would like in 6 weeks.

I wouldn't mind the help of some Duromine, but even if I can get hold of some, it will probably make me go crazy after one day!

Ahhhh the young me...

2011-08-29T08:53:00.004+10:00

After a quick peek at some old (circa 2002) blog posts yesterday, I was reminded why blogging is so important for me. Looking back I was reminded of characters, incidents, and thoughts that I had long forgotten about. In many ways I have and have not changed since I first started blogging. I am not sure whether the innocent, naive posts of my youth are funny or embarrassing, but they provide wonderful insight nonetheless.

I don't know whether or not I will be looking back on these posts when I am 80, but at least the option will be there.

Hello again...

2011-08-28T09:46:00.003+10:00

So, it's been awhile...

Is anyone out there?

The last time I posted it was the start of the year. What has happened?

* I started a new photography job at a studio in July 2010, and left at the start of Feb because my manager was a bit of a...

* I started a photography course at PSC, and have discovered exactly how much I love photography!!

* Dave and I have planned a trip to Vietnam in October - our first o/s trip together!

* I am going through a premature mid-life crisis! What have I been doing the last eleven years??

That is enough for now - it's exhausting trying to fill in the gaps of the last 8 months!

2011-01-04T10:03:00.004+11:00

2011 will be the year that I:

Travel a lot
Get to know and love my boyfriend on even more intimate levels
See my friend and family far more often
Start calling people, rather than texting
Go to the gym regularly again
Develop my photography skills

2011-01-04T09:01:00.002+11:00

Ugg. I have the most swollen glands and tonsils ever, but how can I take off the first day after New Year's Holidays? My boss would NEVER believe that I am sick.

2010-12-27T19:41:00.002+11:00

Wow. I am nearly 29, and so I have decided to start blogging again. I suddenly realised how easy it is for life to slip through your fingers, and how easy it is to forget some of the beautiful and crazy things that happen in life.

Between Facebook and the odd Tweet, blogging began to seem a bit unnecessary, but it has once again become a necessity.

So continues the narrative of my life....

2009-10-08T07:26:00.006+11:00

So, I am finally enjoying my time in Europe. I went to Oktoberfest in Munich last week on a little 5 day Contiki trip. I was worried that the tour would be full of idiots, but out of 102 people on the tour, I actually met some decent people.

Three people in particular really made my week. They are from Katherine in the NT, and were really lovely, down to earth people who didn't seem to be trying too hard to be something they weren't. Or maybe the others on the tour were just naturally loud, overconfident people. I will admit that judging people based on their behavior at Oktoberfest probably isn't the best idea though, particularly when the average amount of beer consumed during one day at Okto probably equates to AT LEAST 7 litres of beer.

Going to Munich on a bus full of people competing for attention did remind me of school trips though. It felt so much like a school trip that I had to remind myself that it was now okay to sit at the back of the bus. Hehe...

So, I can safely say that I had a great time, although I still feel a bit run down from consuming litre upon litre of beer and eating mass amounts of meat and bread for three days :s

2009-09-22T00:43:00.004+10:00

My boyfriend Dave has done the most wonderful thing. When he heard that I was going to sell my camera so that I may travel over the next month he simply would not let me, and insisted on lending me the money that I would have made had I sold it. Not because he is a control freak, and nor does he have a lot of money. It may be a material item, but Dave understands that it's not just a camera. He knows the joy I get out of that camera. Photography is an outlet for my creativity, it's a way for me to document my travels, a method of capturing and communicating to others the things that I find fascinating in this world.

The fact that Dave understands all this, and did this wonderful, amazing thing for me simply because he did not want me to sacrifice something I love, just shows to me how much we are on the same level, and demonstrates to me what an amazing individual he is.

I did not necessarily know when I met him that I would end up spending the rest of my life with him. Although we have only known each other about 1.5 years, and have only been 'going out' since March, I just know that he is my best friend and life partner, particularly when he does such beautiful things like this for me without hesitation.

2009-09-16T19:12:00.005+10:00

Should I sell my camera so I can travel comfortably over the next couple of months?

It's a beast and I love it like I would my child, but I am so sick of not having enough money to travel properly... :(

2009-09-10T20:36:00.002+10:00

My internship finished on Monday, and now I am trying to get enough money together to travel. It's so fucking hard to find a job here that will give me enough money to be able to travel here though. And I miss Dave. As he has told me before, this is my journey, not his. But I am so tired of not being financially secure. I hardly did a thing in London whilst I was doing my internship because I was working so hard, so I didn't have the time or the money.

Now I have the time to travel, I just need the money :s

It would be so easy for me to get all upset right now and go home, but if I go home now, I will just be disappointed....

2009-09-01T19:50:00.003+10:00

I had a really good(long distance) talk with Dave last night about something which has bothered me for sometime, and something which I have posted about many times over the years.

Yesterday I returned to see some of my friends who I met through the backpackers a few months ago. I arrived at the backpackers(yes, they live there) and all of a sudden, confronted with these people I hadn't seen in awhile, I just retracted into my "old self". Admittedly, my "old self" is obviously still a part of me. It is a part of me that I would like to get rid of though. It is a part of me that is sometimes a little too concerned about what other people think, someone that would sometimes rather stay at home and watch movies or even research for work than place myself in what I see as a potentially humiliating social situation. It has always been there - even when I was little and was too scared to go to classmate's birthday parties because rather than necessarily seeing it as a fun thing, again, the thought of it scared the shit out of me.

So yesterday, when visiting some of my friends, I found myself reverting back to my old self . Rather than enjoying the moment, I was feeling a bit too self conscious - wondering if they really wanted to be there with me or even cared that I was there. I couldn't relax or be 100% myself because I was worrying too much. On the way home I felt angry at myself for being 27 and still concerning myself too much with silly issues like that.

The "old me" has gotten in the way of me enjoying my life in the past, and I refuse to be dominated by my emotions anymore. As Dave explained to me last night, I can't just snap my fingers and change something so deep rooted. He does have a very valid point, and I agree with him, but this is something I have been trying to change for years, and I am so sick of letting fear have influence over the experiences I have, and they way I interact with people.

2009-08-12T09:02:00.002+10:00

I just finished an interview with a climate scientist from NASA. It was so much fun!

I know I must have sounded like an absolute moron to a climate scientist and physicist who has been studying climate science for about 35 years, but I managed to pull through it. It made me realise how much I need to work on my interviewing skills though. I seemed to use the word "definitely" and "hmmmm" a lot. :s In other news, it only cost me $1 AUD to call his landline in the U.S for an hour via Skype. What the? I added $30 to my Skype credit before the interview just in case - at these rates I probably won't get through that in a million years! :s

2009-07-11T23:10:00.004+10:00

It's been too long between posts, as usual. Here I am, in London, rediscovering myself, having many, many things to write about, and I haven't been posting at all.

What originally began as a mission to get some media experience in London has turned into a journey of self-discovery. It is amazing how coming to London without my boyfriend, friends, and family, without barely knowing anyone, and starting a new job has helped me to piece together who I am as a person. I will try not to say that I have "grown" as a person - I have, but it is not the most fitting description. Instead, I will say that I am starting to discover and identify things about myself.

I have never had a particularly good sense of self-awareness. Living in London has placed me entirely out of my comfort zone and has forced me to examine myself, and I have realised that the perception that I had of myself was quite distorted.

I thought I had developed into now a confident, self-assured person who was outgoing and could be fun and the life of the party. I also thought that I had overcome my shyness. WRONG.

I have frustrated myself to no end at work, because I have a lot of ideas and ambition, but I have reverted back into this person who is sometimes too scared to approach some of my colleagues unless it is absolutely necessary(apart from the advertising guy I sit next to that I feel totally comfortable with). Part of me even wishes I could just email everyone rather than approach them personally. I am a journalist. This is by no means a good thing. I want to ask my 26-year old editor why the hell he wont hurry up and read my article on the Yanomami tribe which has been sitting on his desk for a month, but I am too scared. Rather than sitting down with my editor and discussing my article ideas, I email them to him - because I am too scared. Rather than approaching my boss and telling him that I needed to take Monday off to do a few things, I waited until he was on holiday last week and emailed him.

It's not only with my colleagues, but also interview subjects. Rather than calling people to ask them questions for articles, again, I email them.

Working at this magazine has made me realise, generally, how scared I am. I am scared of doing the wrong thing, scared of embarrassing myself, scared of attracting negative attention.

I do know that I have a lot of ambition. I like throwing myself in the deep end and trying new things. Provided, that is, that too many people aren't watching. How does that work? I have a lot of guts, but I can be self-conscious and fear public humiliation.

2009-05-14T05:00:00.003+10:00

I am in fucking London. Hell yeah! I landed yesterday, and I am staying at a hostel in Bloomsbury. It's right near the British Museum in the cutest street! I have been house hunting so haven't really had much of an opportunity to sight-see, but in my travels I have managed to get a sneak peak at the areas of Shoreditch and Spitalfields, which are versions of Fitzroy in Melbourne.

I have looked at a few places to rent so far, and they have been rather disappointing in terms of flatmates or quality of rooms. I am looking for a nice-ish room, around the area where I will be working(Spitalfields, Shoreditch, Whitechapel), and most importantly, I want some sociable flatmates. I don't want to be alone and lonely for four months!

Today I had a quick look at the nearby British Museum which is frigging awesome. I took some photos today with my new digital SLR camera, and they turned out so well. I can't believe people are allowed to take photos in there! Entry is also free, so I am sure to go back and have a proper look :)

The weather here has been drizzly, and about 18 degrees, but it doesn't feel too cold to me for some reason... 18 degrees in Melbourne seems a lot colder than the 18 degrees I have been experiencing in London.

La'ers.. Hehe..

2009-04-16T18:41:00.005+10:00

My Visa for the UK got approved! *does dance*

I knew that I would get it, the only question was when. I am leaving for London in three weeks, so I was concerned that I would be cutting it a bit fine. Now all I have to organise is a range of last minute things, ie, freezing various accounts before I go, short list some accommodation through flatshare.co.uk, and do some preparation for The Ecologist, which involves reading a year's worth of back issues.

Over the last month I have also been gradually adding new pieces to my office-wear wardrobe, which is no hassle at all! :p

2009-03-25T20:37:00.002+11:00

My first day back at the gym today in three weeks, and I feel fantastic. Thank goodness all of the bandages are off. I don't think I could have maintained my current fitness and waistline much longer without the usual gym routine.

2009-03-24T17:24:00.003+11:00

Today I got the bandages taken off my nose - a week early mind you. I was at the stage where I was pretty comfortable with the bandages anyway, but not to the point where I could go anywhere(especially bars) without feeling self-conscious.

So now that the bandages are off, I can go the the gym, catch up with friends, and do anything BUT hang around the house which what I have mostly been doing the last two weeks.

Unfortunately, I would not say that I am 100% happy with my nose yet, but maybe that will change once the swelling goes down completely. I still think that my nose looks too Roman-esque, but I will wait for a couple of weeks before I comment to my surgeon.

Regardless, I know that my new nose will still make me feel so much more comfortable with myself. A person should not have to change their appearance in order to feel more confident, but it was something I did not like about myself, and I knew that my attitude towards my nose would not change unless I got the appearance altered.

Essentially, I changed my nose for myself, and not to impress other people. Saying this though, hopefully now other people will now be able to look at me and not see a 'nose'. I received so much bullying about it at High School, which lasted for 6 years, to the point where I become depressed and suicidal.

When I left school I thought the comments would end, but they continued, only in a more discreet manner. You would not think that at the age of 27 these comments would still hurt me, but they do. Just when I would get to the stage where I would feel comfortable with my nose, someone would make an insulting remark about it and then I would be back to square one, feeling hurt and incredibly angry. It's not just what people would say, but the way people would say it, sometimes with a look of disbelief or disgust.

What amazes me, is how some people would actually comment on how much they loved my Roman nose. I always appreciated those comments, but somehow they never took away from the fifteen years of taunts and teasing.

Here's to moving on and letting go of the past....

2009-03-23T12:19:00.004+11:00

Things are finally starting to work out. It has been a fairly emotional 2.5 weeks since I broke up with Shane, but now I have such a sense of clarity. Rather than waking up every morning questioning my relationship, that fear and uncertainty isn't there. I wake up feeling proud that I had the guts to change an aspect of my life that I was dissatisfied with, and I can just sense that my life really is turning out the way I want it to.

There are some reasons why I shouldn't feel as good as I do: I just came out of a three year relationship, have moved back into a shoebox of a room that I have lived in on and off for about 6 years in a suburb that is nothing like the convenient, cafe-laden Richmond that I lived in, and adored for 1.5 years. I also have to try and strengthen the relationships with my friends that weakened as a result of said relationship. But I can see the positive in these inconveniences, particularly in rebuilding friendships. I am happy. A word that I have not honestly been able to use for a long time.

2009-03-15T17:28:00.003+11:00

Four days after my Rhinoplasty surgery, and I actually feel pretty good! Up until today I felt groggy, and very headachy, but today I actually feel reasonably 'normal'. I don't feel headachy, my nose has almost stopped bleeding, and I can see plenty of mucus! That can only be a good thing :)

I have an appointment with Tony the surgeon tomorrow and he is going to take out my stitches. I don't think the plastic splints inside and outside my nose will come off for another week or two, so hopefully I can find ways to occupy myself at home until this happens. It might be a little vain of me, but I cannot stand the thought of being out in public with a big plastic splint on my nose. Since the morning of the operation I have not been outside. Being housebound is driving me crazy, but with my bruised eyes and nose splint I currently look like a bashing victim, so there is no way I am venturing out in public until I feel comfortable doing so :p

2009-03-14T10:55:00.002+11:00

Here I am again, swollen, bruised and uncomfortable. I had my Rhinoplasty/Septoplasty surgery on Wednesday, stayed overnight at Mercy Hospital, and have been recovering at my sister's house since.

To paint a picture of what I look like at the moment, my eyes are swollen and bruised black and purple. I have a plastic splint over the bridge of my nose, and on the inside of my nose. I also have stitches on the inside of my nose.

Pain-wise, it feels like I have really bad sinusitis. My left nostril has been bleeding slightly since surgery, but an ice pack to the back of my neck seems to help.

2009-03-09T15:15:00.011+11:00

My life has been an absolute whirlwind of late. I made a life-altering decision last week- I decided to break up with Shane.

It was one of the most, heartbreaking, difficult things I have ever had to do, but at the same time, very liberating. Leading up to, and since breaking up with him last Thursday night, I have been through a series of emotions, which has knocked me around a bit. At first I felt numb, then relieved, then like a massive cloud had left my head and heart. I hadn't really cried properly until Friday, when he helped me to move a few things and we said our goodbyes. I saw him struggling not to cry and I felt awful for doing it the way that I did. It was probably not the best way to do it, but it's difficult to be articulate when you are breaking up with someone that you have experienced everything with in the last three years.

I have never really discussed our relationship in depth on here, but I am not sure if I was ever as happy in the relationship as I should have been. I was in denial for so long, convincing myself that we 'belonged together' when really, we are two very different people.

So, on Thursday night I let Shane know. There is no easy way to do it really. I told him that I "can't do this anymore", that we are two very different people, and that I didn't love him anymore. I tried to explain why, and ended up listing a few things that he had done in the past that were examples of how he had bad communication skills, and how he did not seem to trust or support me. I did not want to point the finger, or point out his flaws, but unfortunately that is the way it came out. When he asked me why I thought we were two different people, and why I didn't love him anymore, there was no one thing I could attribute it to. There never is.

So now, after three years we have parted ways. Over Friday and Saturday I moved everything with help from my sister Liz, and on Tuesday Man With a Van helped me to move the bigger things.

To add to this, I am recovering from Rhinoplasty/Septoplasty surgery that I underwent yesterday. Bad timing I guess.

2009-03-05T22:10:00.001+11:00

I am sooooooo mentally exhausted.

2009-03-04T17:24:00.002+11:00

I am tired. I am confused. But I am verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry happy. Because on Friday I am going to do something very liberating. I will fill you in soon my dears.

xxx

Detox Schmetox

2009-02-19T07:53:00.003+11:00

Yesterday was a bit of a blip detox-wise. I ate so well all day; for breakfast I had the usual muesli, fruit, and natural yoghurt with low-fat soy milk, with my usual morning soy cappuccino, for lunch I ate an organic black rice salad with bean sprouts and cucumber, and for afternoon tea I had a watermelon and rockmelon fruit salad. I was on track until about nine o'clock when I consumed a massive bowl of porridge.

Admittedly, the health benefits of porridge(with whole oats) are endless. Oats are high in beta-glucan which lowers the risk of cholesterol and heart disease, and they are also high in antioxidants(moreso in the organic oats). Although I am gluten-intolerant, for some reason I can eat oats without adverse side affects. In addition, oats actually assist in the detoxing process. Where I went wrong, is that I ate a massive bowl of porridge at nine o'clock in the evening. It shows a lack of control on my behalf, as I am trying to retrain myself to eat reasonably-sized portions, rather than that of a sumo wrestler.

Alright, the porridge wasn't so bad. Maybe I should mention the chocolate cookie dough. In Nigella Lawson style, last night, armed with a spoon, I scanned the fridge and pulled out the chocolate biscuit cookie dough that I had made the day before for Shane. Oh-oh. :( I thought that I would have felt sick in the stomach this morning from devouring said cookie dough(also taking into consideration that I am lactose and gluten intolerant), but I actually didn't feel too bad.

Today is another day - Day Three in fact. I am not going to allow the "cookie dough incident" to discourage me. Honestly, I am feeling more energised already, which is peculiar, because normally when I am detoxing, I feel incredibly lethargic for the first week. I know that it would possibly be a different story if I gave up my morning capp, but that just isn't going to happen ;)

2009-02-18T08:25:00.003+11:00

This is Day Two of what I am labeling my "detox". Really, I am just eliminating anything overly processed from my diet. I am still allowing myself my morning coffee though, and sometimes one cup of tea in the afternoon. If I was not working, I would be able to manage working without my daily caffeine hit, but, as a person whose daily routine involves waking at about 5am, going to the gym for an hour, writing for one-two hours, then working nine-ten hours a day, I reallllllly need my coffee :).

Yesterday I did not stick to my detox completely, but I was still pretty good. In the morning I had fruit and natural yoghurt for breakfast, with a slight sprinkling of muesli. I know, muesli is still slightly processed , but I find that I need muesli as an intermediate-GI food, for a reasonably slow release of energy throughout the day. The yogurt was also Jalna yoghurt, so it was fairly natural :p

For lunch I had a salad with baby spinach leaves, mixed lettuce, carrot, red grapes, cucumber, and tomato, with a lemon-juice dressing. It was actually very filling, which is odd. Normally I need to add protein such as chicken for a salad to be filling!

At dinner I actually wasn't that hungry for some reason - fatigue is great for decreasing appetite :( So dinner consisted of some chopped fresh pineapple and watermelon.

Where I slipped, is having some Solo in the afternoon as a sugar fix, and some low-joule cordial in the evening. Oops! I find low-joule cordial(I like the Cottees Low-Joule Apple and Raspberry cordial) great for a sugar-fix, even though it is probably full of additives and Aspartame - I should really check the ingredients list when I get home!

Hopefully today I will do a little better :)

xxxx

2009-02-17T09:40:00.004+11:00

I have my biometrics scans in about twenty minutes - one step closer to getting my UK Youth Mobility Scheme Visa!

2009-02-17T08:02:00.005+11:00

I have decided to ban myself from eating processed foods, including refined sugars, for awhile. I have always been a healthy eater, and never really been into fast food, soft drinks, overly processed food, or excessive amounts of alcohol.

But more than seven weeks later, and I have not been able to return to my normal eating habits after Christmas. Shane and I won a MASSIVE Christmas hamper, so we have had a lot of processed cakes and biscuits sitting in the cupboard. I find that I eat really healthily all day(muesli and fruit for breakfast, salad wrap for lunch), and then I go home and scan the pantry for sweet food. As a result, I have put on about six kilos.

I know that if I refrained from stuffing my face with sweet food before I go to bed, that I could lose that weight in a week(seriously). I am just finding it difficulty to change the bad habits that I have developed over the last couple of months.

That is why I have banned myself from eating anything processed until I am convinced that I have returned to good eating habits, and have returned to my normal weight(57 kilos). I don't normally like to eliminate something entirely from my diet, but I think it's the only thing that is going to work at this stage, because I can't seem to stop at "just one" biscuit/cake/chocolate.

2009-02-16T12:08:00.004+11:00

I have done it. I become one of those stressed people. Between my marketing job, trying to write articles as well, and organise my trip to London(visa, loans, etc,) I have become one stressed lady. I am still awaiting my tax return from last financial year(my bad), and until that arrives, my loan cannot be finalised. I need that loan not only for my trip in May, but for Rhinoplasty surgery that I will be having in three weeks. To add to that, I am currently in the process of applying for my Youth Mobility Scheme Visa, which is stressful because there is the fear at the back of my mind that it will not get accepted, or that it will not arrive in time.

2009-02-02T09:17:00.007+11:00

Saturday was such a lovely day. Simply by overcoming my social anxieties and catching up with friends who I do not see often enough. Many people have heard it all before: I love socialising, but sometimes I get so self conscious that I convince myself to stay at home rather than face possible embarrassment. That is just one of the thoughts experienced by people with social anxiety.

But on Saturday I caught up with several of my friends, and had a lovely time. I still experienced moments where I got nervous and would start talking quickly and go off on a tangent(lol!), but other than that, it felt great catching up with my lovely friends :)

I have decided that I am going to tackle this anxiety in two ways. Firstly, I will place myself in as many social situations as possible(taking into consideration financial and time constraints), which includes CAE courses, volunteering(something that involves a bit more than animal care) and community groups. Secondly, I am going to get to the source of why I am so self-conscious and self-doubting. There are also therapists that specialise in social anxiety, so as soon as I can afford to, I am going to book a session. This has got to stop!

xxx

2009-01-27T22:22:00.004+11:00

Save. Save. Save.

That's what I will be doing leading up to May, when Shane and I go to London. We are going for a friend's wedding, and I am happy to say that I will be staying on for another two months to undertake a media internship in central London. I received the news of my acceptance last week, and I am extremely excited(and also a bit nervous). I have a feeling that I am going to thoroughly enjoy myself in the melting pot that is London. I wish I could spend some time improving my writing skills right now. Instead, I have to focus on saving some money, taking into consideration that I will still be paying rent here whilst I am away. I am going to apply for a personal loan to help me out, but nonetheless, I am still going to be working overtime until May to get some money together.

Woooot! I have a feeling it is going to be a great year. It is the year of the earth ox, which means that I should really set my mind on dreaming less, working hard, and being more proactive.

2009-01-18T20:41:00.003+11:00

I feel the urge to rid myself of most of my materialistic possessions and just live. To step out of my comfort zone, rid myself of television, my mobile phone, and my laptop. I want to travel the world like a nomad, introduce myself to new cultures and ideas, and most importantly, find myself again.

The only thing stopping me from quitting my job and 'finding myself' is having a partner that I love dearly, who is tied down to a wonderful job. Oh fuck. What do I do?

2009-01-17T09:51:00.009+11:00

I have been thinking a great deal about what my goals are for the year. In general, I have been putting a lot of thought into what I want from life, but I don't think I know the answer to that complex question yet.

For the moment, I will focus on my main goals for 2009, in no order of importance:

1. Develop an impressive writing portfolio, by continuing to contribute to online publications. I would like to also see my writing published in a print publication again. I will be having a chat with the editor from ReNew magazine within the next couple of weeks about the possibility of writing for them. Hopefully this will allow me to work in the office of a publication again. Fingers and toes crossed xxxx :D

2. Work in London. I have applied for a two-month media internship in London, and I am now awaiting the results... If I am successful, I will be working in a media-orientated role from during May-June/July.

3. Exercise consistently. Last year from January-August I ran about 5-6 times a week. Then I underwent my jaw operation, and didn't get back into any exercise routine until just before Christmas. It is crucial that I start going to the gym more consistently again. I miss my healthy, fit, toned physique, and the endorphins help prevent me from lapsing into depression.

4. Continue to volunteer. I currently volunteer with the RSPCA, and although I love doing this, it does not involve much human interaction(der!), so I would like to get involved in some community work. Last year I was planning to go to Chang Rai, live with a family and do volunteer farming for 2 weeks, so that may be an option for this year.

5. Curb my sugar cravings. I eat healthily all day, but then when I get home after work I start to crave sweet food such as cake and Gippsland Dairy yoghurt(YUM!), which has about 12 grams of fat a tub :) I am also lactose and gluten intolerant, so there are particularly unpleasant side affects when I indulge in these things. In 2009 I must a) start sticking to a strict dairy/gluten free diet if I am ever going to get rid of my sinus problems and bloating b) Turn to more natural alternatives when I crave sweet food, such as home-made fruit-juice popsicles >__<

I have many other goals, in regards to my attitudes, finance, family/friends, personal enjoyment and emotional well-being, but "Next time, Gadget....Next time!" I don't want to go over the top: that would be the first step in losing focus!

2009-01-12T12:04:00.000+11:00

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Coldplay - Lost

Holidays - Part Two

2009-01-06T09:18:00.007+11:00

I am 4kg heavier than I was pre-holidays. I have love handles that weren't really there before, but I don't regret my indulgences. What are holidays for? Admittedly, I am finding it difficult to get back to my regular, healthy eating habits :(

After spending three nights in Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast, Shane and I headed back to Brisbane to his brother and sister-in-law's house, where we stayed for the remainder of our holidays. They have such a lovely house in The Grange, and Shane and I always stay in the spare room downstairs where we have a bit of privacy.

On Christmas Eve, the family swapped presents(they mainly buy presents for the nephews) and we had a massive feast of various cold meats and salads. Shane's mother had made a beautiful, moist gluten-free and dairy-free fruit cake, pumpkin and all!! It was a bit odd celebrating Christmas European-style, having our feast and celebrations on Christmas Eve. The next day everyone in Shane's family did their own thing, where as, normally in our house, we celebrate together for about three days :)

For the first time ever, we went to some Boxing Day sales(albeit in Brisbane), and let me tell you, it was not worth the lack of parking and crowds. I live near Bridge Road - a couple of weeks before Christmas I bought a few items that were 50% off. Now THAT is a sale! It does not impress me when things are discounted by a mere $10-20!

We stayed with Shane's brother until the 30th, and mainly just chilled in Brisbane, apart from a couple of day trips around Caloundra and Coolum. It seems that many people choose to retire in Caloundra. It's very scenic and had a very relaxed vibe.

Shane and I could not stop discussing how one day we would like to move up to Brisbane, and maybe have a holiday house somewhere on the sunshine coast. I love Melbourne's culture - I love the alleys, quirky little clothing shops, and cafes. I am very creative, and Melbourne provides me with so many opportunities to express this creativity. However, I also love tropical weather, beaches, and rainforests. I love being woken up by the sun at 5am in the morning and going for a run on the beach. I would love to live somewhere where I can go on day trips to beautiful sandy islands and go snorkeling, or find green tree frogs in my backyard.

Admittedly, even with all of the Melbournians moving to Brisbane, it will never quite have Melbourne's culture. That's not to say that I won't move there one day. It might just be a long way off...

Holidays - Part One

2009-01-04T09:39:00.005+11:00

I've been putting off updating my blog, mainly because I know that I have so much to write about. Just details of my holiday and New Years mainly.

I finished work on the 18th of December and Shane and I headed up to Brisbane to see his parents on the 20th. We stayed with his brother and sister-in-law for one night, then drove up to Mooloolaba the next day. The apartment was nice and spacious, and had a great view of the beach. I felt like I was in another country really. The weather was consistently warm, I got up at 6:30 every morning to go for a run or walk along the beach, then I would go for a swim later in the hotel's pool. We just spent our time there relaxing on the beach, swimming, and eating in the local Surf Club. We also went to Underwater World, which was.... cute. I think the aquarium tunnel was probably the best feature. I find the large sting rays fascinating :D

We also went for a few trips including Noosa and Coolum. we only spent a couple of hours in Noosa relaxing on the beach and in the surf club, but it looks like a spot worth going back to, to explore more of the beaches and the surrounding hinterland.

I gave some friends of mine a text, as I knew that they were now living somewhere on the Sunshine Coast, and they just happened to be living by the river in Mooloolaba, not far from where we were staying. We sat on their verandah overlooking the river, drank wine, and listened to them talk about their lifestyle there - how they just walk out their front door, drop a fishing line, and wait for their dinner. Oh, to live by the river and barbeque the fish you just caught! I don't know if I could gut a fish though! I'm sure I could get over it if someone actually taught me how to do it properly! (do they have courses in gutting a fish?) :)

2008-12-16T06:18:00.003+11:00

I wish I could take an optimism pill. I have always been pretty optimistic, but I'm losing faith that I will find a decent media job next year. I go through phases where I am extremely motivated, and then I hit a slump. Part of me also wonders what the point would be in doing anything this week(ie, applying for jobs) when I go on holidays on Saturday. It does make sense, but I'm just making excuses really.

2008-12-11T08:27:00.009+11:00

It occurred to me yesterday to search for an ex-fling on Facebook. Indeed, there he was on Facebook, smirking back at me from a three-year-old photo that had been taken around the time we met. My immediate thought was to send him an email, in which I would detail how he still owes me money, and how I am certain that it was him that stole the jewelry from my suitcase. Long story really. I met Alex during a long European holiday, where I was blinded so much by the beautiful Greek sunshine and white villas, that my judgement was obscured. He seemed like a lovely guy when I met him, but he turned out to be a lazy, pot-smoking, thieving leech.

There is nothing wrong with a person who smokes pot occasionally. In fact, I understand the benefits of weed to people who, for example, have ADHD. Then there are people like Alex who make it a part of their daily, or all-day routine. After spending five weeks with with Alex on the Greek islands, I travelled back to Athens to stay with him and his mother. That is when I became a witness to his routine of talking about pot, locating pot, meeting up with the dealer, rolling it, and finally - smoking it.

This is where I had a significant "uh oh" moment. It only got more interesting from there - my late grandmother even wrote a short story about it based on a very revised version of events, and I am about to do the same.

I am still deciding on whether I should send Alex a message. Although I can joke about it now, I still have a lot of resentment towards him that I really need to let go of. It is not healthy to hold on to that much anger!

2008-12-09T16:57:00.003+11:00

I was looking forward to getting my braces taken off yesterday. I thought I would be 'free'. I was free, for about six hours until I went back to the ortho to get my retainer put on. My teeth felt slimy, but so smooth, and I couldn't stop running my tongue over my teeth. Then they put the retainer on. I knew that I would have to wear a retainer, but I thought that it would be more comfortable.

It only consists of a piece of moulded plastic that sits on the roof of my mouth, attached to a single wire that sits over my top teeth, but when I wear it I feel like I am choking. My orthodontist told me that I would be able to speak properly today, in fact, he promised that I would be able to speak today, but I still sound like Daffy Duck. I have to wear it for three months 24/7, and during the evenings only for the remainder of the year. I have so much empathy for retainer-wearers now!

2008-12-09T16:20:00.006+11:00

I had an early Christmas with my parents on the weekend. Shane and I are spending Christmas with his parents this year, so we drove to the country on Saturday to have Christmas number one. My sister Dan, her husband and my nephew had also decided to drive to my parents from Naracoorte - I hadn't seen them since last Christmas, so it was so nice to see them. My nephew is such a lovely child! Running around with Wade made me realise that I am not as fit as I once thought ;p

On Saturday evening we had a succulent roast chicken and vegetables, followed by the overpriced(but delicious) Stephanie Alexander christmas pudding. My mother makes a Christmas pudding every year, but she hadn't made one at this stage, so I bought one at the Richmond Hill Larder, even though my mother's jaw dropped when I told her that I paid $29 for a Christmas pudding. The one my mother makes probably costs her $15 to make, and is five times the size! I don't think anyone understood that I don't mind spending that much for special occasions, but my parents are farmers, and they have to watch every single cent that they earn. My mother can barely afford to even get a hair cut :(

2008-12-02T08:46:00.005+11:00

What a great Saturday I had! Shane and I went to the Stereosonic festival on Saturday, and although I got a little bit too tipsy, I think I really needed the 'escape'! I was a bit stressed out at first - we didn't get there until about 4:45 pm, by the time we missed the last train to the Showgrounds, had to find a taxi, and the hassle that goes with trying to get drink cards, waiting in line for drinks/toilets, and trying to find various stages and our friends.

I think we spent more time in line than actually seeing DJs! But in the end, after a few drinks and half a pill(it's been so long since I have done that!) I relaxed, got to see Paul Van Dyk again, and had lots of fun. I did get a little drunk, but that's not very difficult, considering I am not a big drinker in the first place :p. I do hate it when parts of the night are very fuzzy though!

2008-11-25T15:19:00.005+11:00

A lot of my posts seem to revolve around my insecurities. Growing up I used to absolutely dread the thought of being placed in most social situations. I would shake, blush, my mouth would become dry, and my throat would close up if people spoke to me. I still revert to those ways sometimes, but I am trying my best to get rid of my social anxieties once and for all. I thought that maybe I would "grow out" of it, but I think I should stop expecting it to just eventually "go away" like the common cold. If I still suffer from social anxieties at the age of 26, it must be deep-rooted. The only way I am going to change my behavioral patterns is by being tough with myself, and placing myself in as many potentially confronting social situations as possible.

Volunteer work seems to be helping. I started volunteering with the RSPCA because I love animals and wanted to help the community. I also commenced work with Amnesty International and the Australian Conservation Foundation to help develop my media portfolio. I have found that, besides being of benefit to the community and adding to my resume, that volunteer work clearly has allowed me to develop my confidence in social situations.

Every year I have made promises to rid myself of my social anxieties, but I think that is only becoming a realistic goal now that I have become wise to a few things. For all of my life I have been a victim of my own fears. I have let my social anxieties prevent me from fulfilling my potential, living life, and feeling comfortable and confident in many situations. How can I truly enjoy time with people when you I consumed by thoughts as to how other people must be evaluating me: "I must be boring them/they are just catching up with me because they feel they have to/is my face blushing?/please don't do anything to humiliate or draw attention to yourself".

It's so easy to become a victim to these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I have allowed them to control me for all of my life. But now I am actually prepared to use all of my strength to shut down these patterns of behavior. That is how I know that this time I am actually moving a positive direction. :D

xxx

2008-11-17T18:36:00.007+11:00

I am currently looking for a new job. I am actually putting a lot of effort into it too. I have undertaken "job hunting" before where I have just browsed the job ads and maybe applied for a couple without putting much effort into it, but the last few days I have spent hours perfecting my resume and cover letters, cold calling/emailing publications, and writing lists of short courses I can do to update my skills.

Why do I want a new job? I've been in the same company for about 4 years. My boss is becoming a real prick to add to that. When you have been in a company for a long time, they either look after you really well, or they start to really take advantage of you. My boss is doing the latter. He just assumes that I will work the hours they would like me to without hesitation, and when I don't, he questions what else I could possibly have to do that is more important! The last few years I have put way too many hours into my work, and given the job and the company priority a lot of overtime, and now my boss has come to expect it.

Today, on my day off, the boss said a few things to me that really illustrated just how much I am taken advantage of, and just affirmed to me that I have been there waaaaaaaaaay too long. I never even wanted to get into Marketing! Why am I still even in the industry? :|

Even just looking for a new job is making me feel so much better. I am even going to get a professional website with an online portfolio to promote my writing. I wish I could design it myself, but I don't have Illustrator/Photoshop :(

2008-11-16T06:52:00.004+11:00

I wish I could get away with Faith's(Mirror's Edge) hairstyle ;(

2008-11-06T10:18:00.003+11:00

I got a sweet little email from my mother today telling me that my grandmother left a small amount of money in her will for me. I immediately burst into tears, maybe because, even though it was a small amount, it was a gift from her, and now, when I am ready, I can get something special to keep with me and remind me of her.

I told myself when she passed away that I would never live the same way again. She always grounded me, and I always found her so inspiring. I told myself that whenever I went through times of 'weakness', I would remind myself of her strength and selfless nature. After her death, I tried to get on with my life, and made the mistake of getting back into my same old habits and routines. I think today I was reminded of the promise I made myself to change my life. It basically involves me not being so afraid all the time. Quite non-specific, I know, but I'm not about to go into a spiel about what I'm afraid of. I am not sure that I even know sometimes. I would consider my social anxiety to be the main one, but it's such a complicated thing, because it clearly stems from something else.

2008-10-31T07:28:00.003+11:00

I am a bit sad that I haven't blogged much lately. It's important to me that I blog frequently, as a documentation of what I have been doing with my life.

My jaw seems to be healing nicely. I had a consultation with my surgeon on Wednesday, and he is quite happy with my progress. I still have a bit of swelling, but apparently my face will not completely "settle" for another four months. I still find it difficult to eat anything too crunchy, such as nuts, but other than that, my eating habits are pretty much back to normal. I have been jogging again - I run about 3 times a week and have gotten back into swimming, or rather kickboarding, which is about the only swimming my physio will allow me to do due to a problematic knee. Kickboarding seems to strengthen my knee, which is fantastic, as long as I can deal with the monotony of doing laps.

Anyway, other than healing, I have just been trying to catch up with people, enjoying the warm days that we have, and trying to get back into writing again now that I finished my media law subject. I'm tired of submitting work via email though. I want to work in the office of a publication house again. It sucks sometimes just sending work to editors that you have never even met. You have to be particularly disciplined too. It is always too easy to sit on the couch and watch TV/go to the beach/go out for dinner/meet up with friends rather than write an article.

It is really the wrong time of year to be cold calling publication companies though, just when they are winding down for the year :( Oh well, I think it is time to edit my CV again!

2008-09-23T17:05:00.004+10:00

I'm happy to say that I am gradually coming out of my post-operative shell.

After a month of seeing barely anyone, apart from a few select people, last Monday I went back to work, yesterday I caught up with Stu, and on Saturday night I caught up with my beautiful friend Mel for her birthday. The night started out at I Carusi in Brunswick. I think it was the first pizza place I have ever been to that only serves pizza(apart from a few things on the dessert menu). Luckily, it was beautiful pizza! You know that the food must be good too, when the building is so unpolished and discrete that you could easily miss it, and the menus are simply photocopies of messily hand-written lists! Yet, by 8pm the place was packed! After the trying the chocolate calzone there, I want to learn how to make it! YUUUUUUM!

We went out to the Night Cat afterwards. It was the first time I had been out in aaaaaages. I had a really good time, even though I still felt like my head was the size of Shrek's. Even though friends and colleagues keep assuring me that I look fine, 'great' even, I know that my face is far from normal, and that it will still be at least another 2 months before it settles down.

Great news though - tonight I managed to eat a lamb shank! My body is so depleted of iron at the moment, so the advancement in my chewing abilities couldn't have come at a better time. I know there are other ways to get iron into your body, but I just haven't been organised enough to create a meal plan of iron-rich foods that can be mashed and taken to work. It can be done, but I just haven't been organised enough.

In other good news, my speech seems to be improving. I still have a bit of a lisp, but I am gradually getting used to the new position of my jaw/teeth. Before I had the surgery, my surgeon told me that they could organise a speech therapist if necessary, and I am beginning to think that it is just what I need..

2008-09-12T11:43:00.004+10:00

Happy Birthday Dad! xxxxxx

My father and I went through a stage where we didn't understand each other very well and it was a bit of a strain to communicate(the times during my puberty and depression were the worst), but I am happy to say that over the last ten years we have become closer.

My parents were in Melbourne on the weekend, and it was so good to see them! They told me that this Winter was "damp", meaning, it was somewhat comparable to the rainfall they were getting more than ten years ago. What a great gift for my parents :D. They are still struggling, and if they would accept it, I would give them every spare cent I had, but they are too proud for that, which I understand.

2008-09-11T10:52:00.003+10:00

I am not back to work until Monday - it has been almost 3.5 weeks, and apart from being a bit house bound, I have loved the time off :D

Since the weather has been pleasant, I have been able to get out of the house a lot more. This morning I explored the streets surrounding our new apartment. We aren't as close to everything now, but it's still convenient. I figured out that it takes about 9 minutes to walk to the organic shop, 14 minutes to walk to Coles, less than five minutes to Bridge Road and the trams, and one minute to the local train station :D

I still get a little bit tired, but at least now I don't have to feel as self conscious, as about 4/5 of the facial swelling has gone down. My orthodontist also informed me yesterday that I don't have to wear the elastics when I am "out and about", and only have to wear them when I am at home. What a relief!

I still have a lisp - it will take awhile for me to get used to the position of my teeth, but I can I have found that people can understand most of what I am saying. I barely left the house in the first two weeks after the operation because I felt incredibly unattractive, and scared that someone would try to talk to me, because I found it difficult to speak.

I have barely seen any of my friends since the operation, and haven't even been answering the phone as I have felt embarrassed about my speech impediment, but I am ready to start seeing my friends again :D It may take a lot longer for the swelling to go down and my speech to improve, so there is no point in waiting until I look 'normal'.

I am not looking forward to going back to work, but I have run out of sick days :s It is going to be interesting finding foods that I can take to work, considering I still can't chew food yet!

2008-09-09T09:04:00.008+10:00

I think the house is finally starting to look like a home. Shane and I moved on the weekend to a place that is a 5 minute drive from where we used to live. It was nice having five strong boys help us move. Thank Jeebus for males friends :p It still took us about six hours to move everything though. Shane conveniently borrowed a van from work, which was quite handy to use for the narrow Richmond alleys :)

Shane and I managed to offload a whole van of stuff to the Salvos. I have to admit, I don't like getting rid of a lot of stuff, but it had to be done. It was very cleansing getting rid of a lot of clothes and 'junk' that I don't wear/use. There was an old sleeping bag that my parents had given me when I was about 9 that I had been hanging on to for sentimentality, but I had to just throw it in the bin in the end, because it was that ratty :p

After unpacking all day Sunday and a little bit yesterday, nearly everything is unpacked. We still need to buy a bit of furniture though, so not everything can be unpacked until we go and buy some storage units such as this. I could probably get something like that at Ikea for half the pice, but I don't exactly trust the 'workmanship' of Ikea furniture. I have bought a couple of things from Ikea in the past, but I don't want to make my apartment Ikea-tastic :p

2008-09-04T10:55:00.006+10:00

I am in my local library at the moment in the hope of doing at least five hours of study over the course of the day. I have been trying to get back into a studying routine since Tuesday, but I find it really difficult to concentrate on study at the moment.

Luckily my subject supervisor has given me an extension on my essay and exam, because I find I can only manage about 2 hours of studying before I start to get a headache, or more specifically, a jaw-ache. The ache occurs where the screws and plates are in my jaws, and seems to get worse when I try to concentrate on something for a long period of time, such as study, or reading in general. I also get tired easily at the moment, which is normal apparently. I guess that is because:

a) my jaw is healing,

b) I am not getting enough iron in my diet because I am not eating much read meat. Even minced meat is quite difficult to eat at the moment!

c) I have lost a bit of fitness from lounging around the house a lot over the last 2.5 weeks. This week I have started to go for small walks, so I am trying to gradually build up my fitness.

I have started to be more creative with my meals at least. Just because it is mashed/pureed/liquified does not mean that it can't be nutritious and delicious! I have lots of soy protein powder in my pantry from when I went through a protein drink phase a few months ago, so I have been making protein smoothies with soy milk, banana, strawberries and honey. I'd forgotten how yummy smoothies were! :D

I have to remember how important it is to keep up my nutrition levels, particularly as my body is healing. I remember a few days after the surgery I collapsed and had a slight fit after coming out of the shower at home, probably due to being weak from a lack of food/low blood sugar levels and being very medicated. I think the hot shower I'd just had didn't help :s I just remember one minute I was walking towards my bed, then before I knew it I was laying on the floor, twitching slightly :(

I should have really told my surgeon about it. He is very lovely and always reminds me that I can call him anytime, 24/7 if I have any concerns. In fact, is one of the least patronising doctors I have ever met. He explains things in adequate detail but in a way which I can understand, encourages questions and feedback, and has the most fascinating anecdotes about the human body! :D

2008-09-02T12:28:00.003+10:00

I visited my maxillofacial surgeon and orthodontist yesterday. From what the surgeon told me, it looks as though everything is going well. I am still a bit numb in some parts of my face, particularly on one side of my lip and chin, but my surgeon assured me that the fact that I can feel anything at all there shows that the nerves are still functioning, and have not been damaged. It will just take a little while for the nerves to recover.

My orthodontist informed me that I will need the elastic bands in my mouth for at least another 2-3 weeks, but that by the end of that period I will only have to wear them half the time. I have to see him in about ten days for a review appointment, so hopefully he can assess my progress a bit more then.

As well as being a bit swollen and numb in the face, my speech has been greatly affected by the surgery. Originally I thought that the elastic bands were affecting my speech, but after taking out the elastic bands and practicing my speech, I did not notice much improvement. I should stop being so impatient - it takes months for the jaw to fully repair after surgery, and it will also take awhile to re-train my brain and adjust to the new positions of my jaws. I still think the elastics are ugly though, even if they do serve a very important purpose :)

2008-08-31T13:42:00.005+10:00

So, it's Day 13 after my surgery, and I'm still on a mashed food diet. I can't eat read meat as yet, but I have discovered that I can eat shredded up chicken, particularly hot BBQ chicken. About 80% of the swelling has gone down, but not enough for me to be able to tell whether the surgery was successful in terms of aesthetics.

In terms of functionality, such as chewing and breathing, I probably wont be able to see the benefits for at least another few weeks.

I still have the elastics in my mouth which keep my jaws in correct position during the healing process, but I have an appointment with my maxillofacial surgeon and my dentist tomorrow, so I hope that they will come off then! I don't like my chances though :(

I still haven't gone back to work yet. At the moment it hurts if I talk or even smile too much(Shane makes me laugh so hard sometimes that it feels like the stitches will pop out!), and working with a call centre team requires me to talk a lot. Originally, I planned to go back to work tomorrow, but I guess I will have to wait until I can talk normally again, which might take another week. It's difficult to tell with orthognathic surgery.

2008-08-25T15:54:00.004+10:00

Today is the first day that I have been well enough to be able to blog since my orthognathic surgery.

The operation last Monday went well. As the surgeon explained to me, during the procedure they broke my upper and lower jaws and took a piece of bone out of both. The surgeon moved both jaws backwards, and also changed the angle of my lower jaw.

When I woke up from surgery I could hardly move my jaw enough to speak or even eat - due to the soreness, swelling(just think of cabbage patch dolls!) and elastics over my braces to keep my jaws in correct position.

The pain was initially tolerable, as they allowed me to have Morphine through my drip, but as I was experiencing queasiness as a result of the aneasthestic and morphine, they eased me onto some really weak pain killers which did little for the pain. :(

The Mersyndol Forte they sent me home with was at least a bit better than Panadol, and for the nights where I have fond it difficult to sleep, I have just been taking a little bit of Morphine Shane had left over from an operation he just had! ;)

At least now, the worst of the pain is over, the worst of the swelling will be over in a week, and today I got the elastics changed to ones that are a bit lighter. I am still stuck with eating soft foods, but I have my appetite back, so I am learning to get creative!

2008-08-17T10:48:00.003+10:00

I haven't posted in awhile - mainly because I have been working and studying so much that I haven't had the time to think about blogging. My day consists of waking up at 5am, going for a jog, studying from 6am until 9am at a nice warm cafe, going to work from 10am-10pm, coming home, spending half an hour with Shane, then going to bed.

The overtime I was working was so that I could get some money together for my orthognathic surgery, which is tomorrow.

I am actually not very nervous. My surgeon has assured me I will be in minimal pain, and I have heard only great things about Andrew so I know that I will be fine.

The only thing I am really dreading is having an IV drip in my arm. I have previously had quite uncomfortable experiences with IV drips, to the point where I wanted to rip it out, but hopefully the nurse who puts it in my arm tomorrow does it in such a way to minimise discomfort :)

Luckily my teacher has been very understanding, and has allowed me an extension on my essay and exam, as I will not be able to study over the next two weeks.

2008-07-25T08:44:00.007+10:00

I have been getting into Rich Mowatt's(AKA Solarstone) work lately. Damn you Beatport - you make it so easy to use up bandwith 0_O

I just discovered that Solarstone is coming to Melbourne in August too!! It's been so long since I have had a good dance(dancing at Grinspoon's gig last month doesn't really count does it?)

I can't wait!

2008-07-25T08:23:00.002+10:00

I haven't been going out much lately at all - I have spent all of my time either working or studying, and have found myself becoming lazy in regards to maintaining contact with friends. It is hard to find enough motivation to catch up with friends sometimes when my days are so long. This is a typical day; I get up at 6am to go for an hour-long run/walk, study in one of the local cafes until about 9am, work from 9.30 until about 7pm(sometimes 10pm), come home, either try to study some more or try to spend a bit of time with Shane, then go to bed.

I believe that no matter how busy you are, you will somehow find/make the time to catch up with people, so I think that I really have to stop making excuses. I think I convince myself that I am too busy to contact people, but really, it is because I feel more comfortable with my head in the books or relaxing at home than socialising with people. I love my friends, but I can still get a bit self conscious and socially anxious sometimes :(

Anyway, I have a few occasions coming up which will provide a means for me to spend more time with some of my friends. Hopefully it will set things rolling and I can come out of my turtle shell again :)

2008-07-06T11:27:00.004+10:00

I have had many fantasies in my life. Some of them are mere dreams which I may not ever accomplish, and some of them are ambitions; to DJ in front of a crowd of thousands, to travel the world as an investigative journalist, to own a large, communal art studio where people can come and create works of art and express their creativity...

Another fantasy of mine is to one day own and operate an organic food cafe/bar, one that will cater for vegans, vegetarians, celiacs, and those who are lactose intolerant. It will be spacious and cozy, with large couches and arm chairs, and an open fireplace. It will be open from early in the morning until late evening, when drinks and tapas will be available, and there will be live music on weekends. *sigh* :)

2008-07-02T08:04:00.006+10:00

*groan*.

I couldn't sleep properly last night. I kept waking up every hour - maybe due to the three coffees and two cups of tea I had yesterday. Now, even after two coffees this morning, which would normally make me 'hypo', I still feel exhausted. I woke up at 6am so that I could get more of my media law essay written, but I seem to have made very little progress ;(

To add to this, I got my braces adjusted on Monday and part of the wire is cutting into my cheek...

/whinge over

2008-06-26T11:07:00.001+10:00

I help Steph study. Yuuuuummmmmy!

2008-06-25T15:31:00.004+10:00

I hate it when I am at the library and people make unnecessary noise. The man next to me has brought several newspapers to the table where I am sitting, to simply flick through the pages noisily without actually reading any of the articles. He has barely even glanced at anything in the paper. Why go to the trouble of finding the newspaper, or several newspapers, if you aren't even going to read any of the content?

2008-06-16T13:31:00.008+10:00

Powderfinger were brilliant on Saturday night. Absolutely brilliant. If I had enough money, I would go to see them play again at The Forum tonight.

I can't believe it was the first time I had seen them live. I am never organised enough to stay abreast of who is on tour, which is quite bad considering music is my passion, and write music reviews part time :s

They played at The Forum, so it was more of a relaxed, intimate environment where the band members chatted to eachother and the audience. They played an acoustic set for the first half and and a 'rock' set for the second half, and I enjoyed every single moment of it. I won't do a full write up on here right now - what is will say, is that I have been inspired to learn the guitar. I have been thinking about it for awhile now, but after watching Bernard and Darren(mmmm...yummy) play guitar on Saturday night, I am even more motivated to learn!!

I am more motivated in general. It's time for me to find a direction and work hard towards it. Really work hard. But that's a topic for another post isn't it?

2008-06-13T12:32:00.003+10:00

NooooOOOooooooOOOOOooo.

Why do Shihad have to be playing on the same night as Powderfinger? *s0b*

The last time Shihad were in Melbourne they were playing on the same night as Sander Kleinenberg. I have not seen Shihad play live in years simply due to a case of bad timing. Oh well. I have never seen Powderfinger play live, and their gig at the Forum tomorrow night should be good fun :)

Hehehehe...

2008-06-06T11:35:00.000+10:00

2008-05-31T12:45:00.006+10:00

My inner thigh has been causing me so much discomfort lately. On Thursday night I received Endovenous Laser Therapy(EVLT) on one of the large, hidden veins in my right leg.

I can't remember why I initially made the consultation. I think I simply wanted to get rid of the surface veins on my legs - they make my legs look constantly bruised - and I wanted to see if I had inherited my mother's varicose veins. After conducting a scan of my legs(it looked frigging awesome on the screen!), the specialist discovered some unusually large(unusual for someone so young and fit) veins in both of my legs. He said that they would probably 'blow out' when I got older, particularly during pregnancy. Now, I know it sounds quite vein of me(pardon the pun), but I would rather kill these veins now before they become monstrous!

So I decided to go through the EVLT, where they put my leg under general anesthetic, made a small incision, and placed a laser fiber along the 'abnormal' vein, which upon activation, destroys the vein wall. It looked awesome on the ultrasound watching the anesthetic, and then the laser beams go through the vein. After the procedure, which took about 40mins, the specialist also injected the small surface veins with a solution to collapse them.

Now, I was instructed to wear a sexy compression stocking 24/7 for one week after the procedure, and then during the day-only for the second week, to assist the closure of the vein and limit my chances of getting DVT. I was a bit naughty and decided to take the Nana stocking off on Friday, which I think only caused me more pain in the end. I have since decided to follow the instructions :s.

I had no idea how much discomfort the surgery would cause me, otherwise I would have waited until I could have taken more time off work. I wake up in the morning in pain, and sure, I am fine once I take 3x NurofenPlus, but I am a person that normally takes painkillers once or twice a year, and they have made me feel a bit drowsy. Also, it interrupts my morning walk/jog. The specialist instructed me to walk for at least 30mins a day on my leg, and I have been managing to do that at least twice a day, but alas, it is with a hobble. :( I have been hobbling for five days now, and it takes me much longer to get anywhere.

I am not looking forward to getting my left leg done. I think the worst of it is the hobbling, as well as the hassle of wearing the tight compression stocking and having to put a special plastic sock over my leg every time I shower. Hopefully if I follow instructions next time and keep the stocking on, it will save me from experiencing so much pain and discomfort!

2008-05-28T10:19:00.003+10:00

The Think Pink Ball on Saturday night was fantastic! It felt so good to do something for charity, and also have an excuse to dress up too!

I was originally going to wear a full-length, black halter-neck dress that my friend Jodi lent me, but I ended up wearing a Pinko cocktail dress that another friend lent me, which I felt a bit more comfortable in!

I wore it with a pair of silver shoes that I got from Zu($30 down from $180), some silver drop earrings and bracelet from Body Art, and an Ostrich-feather shrug. I was going for a glamorous, 50s look, so I asked for my local hairdresser to part my hair on the side and put hot-rollers in my hair to create some strong waves. She cut my hair really well, but unfortunately she didn't style my hair properly and the curls fell out of my hair within 20 mins :(

2008-05-17T08:48:00.008+10:00

I can't remember the last time I was this excited.

It's actually in relation to something I never thought I would have been this excited about. Last year I enrolled in a Media Law subject through Griffith University. I ended up deferring because I found that I was working too many hours to be able to study a subject such as Media Law, which involves a lot of reading material and study.

Then, on Monday I came to the realisation that I was ready to re-enrol in the subject. It was fotrunate that I looked into it when I did, as enrollments for next Semester closed yesterday! I still had the subject readings and material they sent me for it last year, so I was able to start reading through the material yesterday.

I find it really interesting. As someone who has worked intermittently in the media since I was 15, I should have really studied it earlier, but I think I am at the stage of my life now where I can really make the most of study.

When I entered tertiary education at the age of 18, I wasn't really ready. I had no idea what I wanted from life, had relatively little life experience, and wasted way too much time worrying what people thought of me rather than what was going on in the world. When you want to enter the media industry, whether that means studying it, or actually working in it, you need to be extremely aware of what is going on in the world. I think I'm at that age now where I am far less naive and have much more of a grasp of world issues and events, so studying media again could not have come at a more suitable time.

2008-05-13T17:31:00.004+10:00

I am considering studying again next year. I am stuck in such a rut career-wise, and I think that furthering my studies may be the only way to fix it. Journalism is so competitive that maybe the only way to give myself the edge is to do a degree in it, rather than relying on my Media(Multimedia) degree.

2008-05-13T17:15:00.002+10:00

I had my 'wisdom teeth' out on Friday. They were not infected, and hadn't impacted, but in order to improve my 'bite' and prevent any complications of them in the future, I had them out.

I know that some people experience a lot of discomfort and pain afterwards, but I guess I was lucky that I experienced virtually no pain, little discomfort and only minor swelling. The only inconvenience I have experienced is that I have to ensure I eat mainly soft foods at the moment. The stitches do feel a little odd too :)

My surgeon is really nice. He will be conducting my Orthognathic surgery in a few months, and I know I can be confident in his ability. Surgery doesn't really freak me out. I think my Rhinoplasty surgery will concern me a bit, but that is just a matter of communicating with my surgeon to make sure we have the same idea of what I want from the surgery.

2008-05-06T07:58:00.009+10:00

I'm stressed. Stressed because my period is about 6 weeks late. It's always been a bit tardy - my cycles are never really 28 days apart, so initially I was not concerned. Now it is getting a bit ridiculous.

According to the two home pregnancy tests I have taken thus far, I'm not pregnant. Considering that they work by detecting the presence of the pregnancy hormone hCG in your urine, I'd say that they are fairly accurate.

It might simply be related to stress(I have been a bit more stressed than usual), hormones, or my body clock, but I am still really concerned that there is something serious going on with my body. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, so I guess I will know soon...

Edit: I have discovered that I am not pregnant, but I'm still experiencing really odd menstrual patterns :(

2008-05-05T09:06:00.007+10:00

This is Laurent's idea of a large Soy Mocha. You know you're addicted to coffee when you accept it in a bowl! I never used to drink coffee at all, but lately I have been drinking it every day :s

2008-05-05T08:22:00.006+10:00

I could easily spend a lot of money on the Tokidoki clothing and toys. The designer, Simone Legno, is an Italian designer working out of LA, who creates Japanese-inspired pieces.

Lucky for me(unluckily for my savings account), they stock a lot of the stuff in American Apparel on Bridge Road, and from what I can gather, they are one of only four stockists in Victoria. One of the girls that works there knows a lot about the brand, and was telling me that each of the characters of the label have their own little story, such as the Cactus Friends and Pups, who need to wear their prickly cactus outfits out in the big wide world in order to protect themselves. Aaaaaaaaaw!

I want these T-Shirts!

2008-05-02T08:22:00.007+10:00

I'm sure that most people have had the same experiences that I have with Facebook.

Admittedly, I find it to be great for many things. It provides a great opportunity to reconnect with people that you have lost touch with. I do love the fact that within a matter of minutes I can reconnect with old friends from the safety of my computer. It is far less confronting than bumping into them on the main street of my tiny hometown! It is only natural to be curious about the people you went to school with. It's perhaps very shallow of me, but I love to see what has happened to the people I went to school with for 13-14 years. I want to know how they look now, who they have married, whether they have children, whether they are in the career they aspired to....

I love it when old/current friends contact me via Facebook. It's rather sweet actually. What I would like to know, is what is going through the minds of particular people when they try to 'reconnect' with me. I have mixed emotions when those people from High School that a)bullied me b)taunted me or c)never gave me the time of day, add me as a friend or send messages like "Hey!!! Haven't seen you in so long, I hope that you are well!"

I am a great believer in forgiveness, but I think I am still trying to deal with the fact that I was treated so badly in High School. Because I was quiet and did not defended myself as much as I should have, I was outcast, and mentally and physically tormented for almost my entire school life.

I understand that there are reasons why bullying occurs. I also know that sometimes bitches and bullies grow up one day and regret that they ever treated someone that way. I am aware of theories that The Laws of Attraction, and Landmark Forums support. By acting vulnerable in the first place I attracted that kind of attention and treatment. I'm sure that is the case. As a child and teenager though, all I understood is that for some reason I was being mistreated, and deep down believed that maybe I did not deserve the acceptance and respect of my peers. Early on, a pattern of behavior was formed, and I was mistreated by a selection of people all the way through my schooling life. It became such an accepted form of treatment towards me that even the couple of close friends I had would sometimes turn against me in order to feel 'cool'. The problem with growing up in a small country school is that you have only a small circle of people to try and fit in with, and if you don't fit in, well, bad luck.

Whether people were aware of what they were doing to me, or not, I find it hard to 'forget' those experiences so easily.

I don't want this to be a 'poor me' post. Not all of my schooling years were terrible. I did have some good friends, and some good times, but obviously the bad experiences contaminated the experience as a whole, enough to effect me as a person. It has taken me a long time to get to the stage where I do not constantly seek approval from others, believe in myself and feel like I can actually feel comfortable and function in social situations.

Now, to the actual bottom line of this post. Honestly, I do believe in being understanding and moving on, but I still find myself hesitating to respond to these once hurtful, ex-high school Facebookers with: "Oh I'm great thanks, we should really catch up sometime when I'm back in town".

I really don't know how to feel when many of these people who were disrespectful to me in school are now adding me as a friend, and wanting to know how I am going. Part of me feels annoyed, part of me doesn't care, a small part of me for some reason feels flattered(damn it) and the rest of me sees this as an opportunity to move on. Maybe if I start reconnecting with these people it will help me to close that chapter, develop an acceptance of the whole dramatic situation that was High School, and move on :)

*Fireworks*

xxxx

2008-04-30T08:45:00.008+10:00

I went to see the Foo Fighters at Rod Laver Arena on Saturday. I love you Daaaaave! :)

It was a great show. Even though we weren't close to the stage, the stage was designed in such a way that most people had a good view. They had a long catwalk that Dave Grohl ran up and down for the whole show. Man he is still sexy! :p What can I say. He can still play the guitar extraordinarily! I loved the acoustic element - during the concert they introduced a few extra musicians, including another guitarist, percussionist, triangle player and an awesome violinist, but I was at my happiest when they played the old favorites - Learn to Fly, My Hero.

They left Everlong and Monkeywrench until the end, and they played Best of You as part of their three-song encore. A surprising inclusion was when Dave brought in Kaki King to help him perform the song he wrote for the Beaconsfield miners. However, as expected, out of all of the songs they played, Everlong was my favorite. I never usually restrict myself to having one favorite movie, book, producer, or artist, etc.. but that song would have to be my favorite of all time. It sends chills up my spine every time I hear it, especially the acoustic version.

2008-04-23T08:58:00.007+10:00

I took this photo with my phone's camera while I was at the NGV looking at the Sidney Nolan exhibition. Awesome view. Awesome exhibition. I normally don't like mobile phone cameras(I love the portability but not the quality), so I haven't used it much yet, but this view was so cool that I couldn't resist walking through the NGV without taking a photo.

2008-04-22T10:57:00.004+10:00

I had a very relaxing weekend! On Friday night Shane and I went to La Di Da for a few quiet drinks with friends, and before I knew it, it was 5am and I found myself swaying drunkenly in front of the ATM trying to get more money out for drinks.

It was a fun night - Friday had been such a mentally exhausting day at work that I had really needed to unwind. I certainly managed to do that! I had a good night dancing and 'letting myself go', but I did wake up the next day and wish that maybe I hadn't been that tipsy ;) I don't like it when parts of the night are hazy :s

On Saturday I was quiet tired, but I wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather! Shane was lazing on the couch in recovery mode, so got out of the house and walked around the city for awhile. The sky was quite hazy around the city - Degraves Street looked so pretty. I really need to start carrying my camera around with me - I need a new camera for that matter.

On Saturday night we went to a friend's BBQ/drinks, but I was so tired that I only lasted until about 10pm! The next day I had such a 'girly' day. I went to a friend's house who re-dyed my roots for me, whilst we drank wine, ate chocolate and watched Sex and The City. What a relaxing day!

2008-04-14T18:39:00.002+10:00

I originally changed my roster so that I could use Mondays to mix music or to write for the Magazine, but it never usually turns out that way. I usually spend the day cleaning the house, or paying bills :(

Today, however, I allowed myself to continue painting a canvas that I started on Sunday, which is brilliant, as I haven't painted a canvas since VCE Art in 1999. Sure, I have done sketches, pastel and charcoal drawings, and watercolors since then, but not an oil painting. Today I had such a fantastic time being creative again, and it allowed me the opportunity to listen to a CD by Sex on Substance(SOS) that I am reviewing.

I had forgotten how frustrating I find painting sometimes though. My artwork never turns out the way I want it to. I guess I have to remind myself that there is no deadline, and I can just keep adding layers of detail to the painting as I please. Our apartment is like one big studio anyway. It is so open and roomy that I can leave artworks lying around and they will never get in the way. What does suck though, is that we have to move out of the apartment soon! ARG!

2008-04-13T11:06:00.003+10:00

I was simultaneously online and on the phone to Ticketek for about 30mins on Friday morning, but I eventually succeeded in buying tickets to see Powderfinger in June. I am so excited that I feel like doing a daggy high five! EEEEeeeeeeeeEEEee!

2008-04-12T20:32:00.009+10:00

Yey! I went to my local record store today and found this old record by Vector Lovers. I was drawn to the cover art but then discovered I actually really liked the music. It's apparently the work of a British producer called Martin Wheeler.

A caption on the cover art says "Number won robot disco sound! Touching Melody for long summer night thinking of you.. Let's be so vigourous!". Hehe... The guy is obviously a Manga nut :p

2008-04-10T13:56:00.003+10:00

I am still a bit annoyed with myself that I didn't go to see the Smashing Pumpkins on Friday night. For months I was looking forward to going. They were even selling General Admission tickets on Ebay for below cost price. In the end I was too indecisive to get the tickets. The show was on a Friday night, and I never have the energy to go out at the end of the week. I tols myself that I would also save money - I have been trying to save money lately for my Orthognathic surgery, which is due to take place in about three months(the sooner the better!!).

I have been too scared to read SP reviews in case they were fantastic! :( booo hoo!

2008-04-06T20:42:00.003+10:00

So, this weekend I did not end up in hospital, and I did need to have another enema(see previous post) :p

On Saturday Shane and I drove to Kyneton as he had an appointment for work. After his appointment we had a quick look around town(including a cute little Lavender shop where I got some awesome Lavender essential oils produced from the local Lavender farms), then drove to Daylesford to see if it lived up to the hype. From what I experienced yesterday afternoon, it is definitely the kind of place I would love to spend the weekend. The scenery is beautiful, there are day spas galore, plus organic food stores(you have no idea how much organic food stores excite me!!!) and retro/antique shops. I love walking through antique stores, especially when they are crammed corner to corner with odds and ends - you never know what you might find :)

As we only really visited Daylesford yesterday to scope it out for next time, we didn't have the time to go to any of the days spas, but Shane and I got a cheap Reiki massage from an odd, but lovely man who worked behind an organic health food store. It was very relaxing, but I think it was a bit too spiritual for Shane! :) Of course, we could not resist the chocolate store, where I bought some Chilli Chocolate for the first time(I would love to try and make it, even though I am lactose intolerant!), and we ate some really yummy organic soup from one of the cafes.

It was such a lovely day!

2008-04-03T18:19:00.007+11:00

What can I say. This weekend was fantastic compared to last weekend.

To explain, a week ago I had to leave work early due to the fact that I was vomiting every hour on the hour. I thought that I must have had food poisoning. When it didn't get any better by about 9pm that evening, I thought that I would go to the outpatients at Epworth Hospital in the hope that they would be able to give me something to at least stop the nausea.

After waiting about an hour and a half in outpatients, I finally got through and stayed for another two hours at the hospital, whilst they put me on a drip to rehydrate me, and then went through the slow process of x-rays and blood tests. The only reason it took so long is because apparently, it was a very busy night, and other people who were in more 'urgent' situations were a priority.

After being on a drip until 12am, the Doctor then proceeded to tell me that the x-rays had shown that I was extremely full of fecal matter, which was causing the vomiting, and that I would need an enema. I did not think I had been constipated enough to cause severe vomiting, but I went through it anyway, and yes, gave birth, paid my $220 and went home.

By Tuesday, I was still feeling really ill, so I took the day off work and went to see my Doctor who confirmed my suspicions that I had a stomach bug, which had caused both the vomiting and Diarrhea. I had a feeling that the vomiting was probably not caused by an overload of fecal matter :(

2008-03-24T21:35:00.002+11:00

I should have really blogged about it before, considering I had such a fantastic time but I have seen two fantastic shows in the last month: the Chemical Brothers on March 5th and Crazy Penis on the 14th. It was good to see the Chemical Brothers have still got 'it', and I am glad that my friend Jodi asked me to go and see Crazy Penis, as it was an absolute delight to see them performing live!

I was going to do a review of Crazy P -- I even spent a good part of the night trying to get some good photos of them performing, but unfortunately did not get the time to :(

2008-03-05T10:57:00.008+11:00

It seems like it is going to be a year of specialists and surgery.

Last week I went to see my other craniofacial surgeon, Tony. He is a craniofacial surgeon at the Royal Children's Hospital and also specialises in Rhinoplasty, which was the purpose of the consultation I had with him.

A guy who used to be one of his surgical assistants recommended him to me. I have been told he is the best Rhinoplasty surgeon in the southern hemisphere, which I guess explains why I had to wait six months for the appointment.

Why do I want to get Rhinoplasty? I have hated my nose since I was about 15 years old. It's what I would call a 'Roman' nose. I would just like something that is harmonious with the rest of my face. I am sick of looking at my face and simply seeing my 'Roman' nose, and I would like for other people to be able to look at me and do the same. There are also functional things that spring to mind, like the fact that I can't breathe through my nose. Tony told me that this is because I have a twisted septum.

I would like to get the surgery as soon as possible, but Tony advised me that it is better that I wait until I have had the orthognathic surgery, which will change the dimensions of my face somewhat.

So, I am unable to get the orthognathic surgery until I have had my braces on for at least a year(which will be in September), and I can't get Rhinoplasty surgery done until I have had the orthoganthic surgery.

As I said, it is going to be a year of surgery :s.

2008-03-03T18:00:00.008+11:00

I had the first consultation with my Orthognathic surgeon last Monday, who is AWESOME. He comes across as as a really nice, professional, extremely experienced doctor, and he really took the time to discuss the surgery and encouraged in-depth discussion about what I really wanted from it.

Before the consultation I hadn't really thought a great deal about the surgery. I had just assumed that they would align my jaws, which would consequently make my teeth aligned. The consultation really opened my eyes to the possibilities, both cosmetic and functional.

I did not realise that they could give me more defined cheekbones, improve my profile, and change my face shape.

Then there are the functional benefits, such as improved breathing, chewing and speaking. Due to the fact that my jaws are mis-aligned, I have always had problems breathing. My breathing problems are also due to my nose, but that is a problem for my Rhinoplasty surgeon.

(I know, I know)

As for the chewing, my front teeth don't meet properly, so all of my life I have been using my back teeth to chew all of the time, which causes wearing of the back teeth. I wasn't really aware of this, but according to my Orthognathic surgeon, my mis-aligned jaws cause me to 'tongue thrust', and gives me a slight speech impediment.

My surgeon informed me that I will need to have surgery on my upper and lower jaws, as well as my chin :(

I have decided to go ahead with the surgery, but I have to wait until I have had my braces for at least 12 months, which means I will have to wait until September or October. I just want it over and done with, so I can get the pain and facial swelling(which last for at least two weeks) out of the way, and enjoy my newly-aligned jaws! I am quite excited about it actually.

2008-02-27T12:25:00.004+11:00

I have been feeling really positive lately. Over the last few months I started writing again, which means I can now start developing a portfolio of recent work. I feel for the first time in about 2 or 3 years, that I am actually doing something career-orientated that I truly enjoy(that will benefit my media-career too).

Apart from this, I am exercising regularly again. It is something which I have always had problems maintaining. I find that I will exercise 3-4 times a week for about a month, and then neglect for a couple of months as I make excuses as to why I can't. Ie, I have my period, I am too tired, I have a headache, I slept in, it's raining, I'll do twice the amount of exercise tomorrow, I don't have the time, it's not worth exercising unless it's for an hour, I don't need to exercise....

I've found that once I acknowledge these excuses, and change my pattern of thinking, I can overcome the pity excuses. What works for me is to do some for of exercise nearly every day, whether it be a walk or quick swim of about 20-30 minutes. I went through a stage where I would swim for a period of 1-2 hours at a time, but now I have realised I am less likely to get bored, and more likely to stick to the 'routine' if I go for a shorter period of time, and mix it up a bit(ie, walk one day, swim the next).

Here's to an active new year!

2008-02-25T10:07:00.003+11:00

I have come to a realisation of late. It's as though I simply 'woke up'. I woke up to the fact that, apart from this year, I have wasted a lot of time(3 years) working in Marketing, which is not even a passion of mine, when I should really be out there exercising my creativity, and doing things that I really enjoy.

This year I have started writing again for an online magazine, but apart from that, I have hardly worked in media since I graduated, or have even been writing for that matter.

I worked in a few media jobs before I started University, but feel like I have been simply wasting my time since then.

Certainly, I have always been very ambitious and goal orientated. Every year I write extensive lists of goals and the steps I need to take to achieve them.

But it is only now, at the age of 26 that I have really found the focus and motivation I need to be able to act on my ambitions, to get out there and do what I love doing. This doesn't necessarily mean that I know exactly want I want to do with my life. I have too many interests for that to happen any time soon. In the meantime though, at least I have found the motivation that I need to get on track again.

2008-02-19T17:33:00.005+11:00

What a shitty day. My PMS really took over and I found it really difficult to have a smile on my face at work today :(

It is always around this time that things affect me just a bit more than they ordinarily would. I feel so exhausted because my iron levels are even lower at around this time than they normally are. I am SO exhausted right now.

2008-02-11T16:59:00.004+11:00

My birthday week is now over :(

I had Monday off of work anyway as they were renovating the office, and I had taken Tuesday off awhile ago as I knew that it was my birthday(I can't handle working on my birthday). The only problem about taking a day off on a weekday is that not many people had the day off work to be able to do birthday things with me. I still had a nice day though. I went and had a nice beef salad for lunch at the Groove Train, went and bought myself a book, then popped over to my friend(and neighbor) Kay's for a drink and then later on went and watched Cloverfield with Marshall.

It wasn't a bad film. Marshall had to leave the cinema at some point as he felt nauseous, but I didn't seem to be affected with motion sickness. The film was an interesting take on a Godzilla-like monster, but like the film I Am Legend, there was plenty of action, but not enough character development.

Back to my birthday week.

On Friday I thought I would treat myself by getting a manicure, pedicure and a haircut and color(I have been dyeng my hair black for a few months now). I rarely get my nails or hair done, but they were still very unkept from our trip to Apollo Bay. I wanted to get myself pampered for once, and nothing feels much better than polished nails and freshly shampooed/colored/cut hair!

Although I had moved back in with Shane, there was still a bit of tension in the air and I wasn't really in the mood to have a party. I decided to have my birthday BBQ on Saturday though, like I had originally planned. It was nice to have everyone over for some good food(I bought a huge salad platter, and girly cupcakes!), drinks(white wine is such a good bday present!) and music. I wasn't planning to DJ at all, in fact, I find it to be a bit antisocial to invite everyone around to celebrate my bday then spend a lot of the evening behind the decks. A couple of my DJ friends had piked at the last minute so I found myself spending a bit of time that evening DJing, and quite badly too(not that many people noticed) considering that I have been practicing at an average of once a month at the moment :(

All in all, it was a good birthday week, which I have now extended into my birthday month. :)

2008-02-05T23:08:00.001+11:00

Happy Berfday to me!

2008-02-05T11:26:00.000+11:00

Shane called me up on Saturday and asked me when I would like to go out for my birthday. I will never know exactly what was going through Shane's head while we were separated, but I really thought that it was over.

So, on Sunday Shane and I patched things up between us, which is great. We went out to the Pure South restaurant on Southbank to celebrate my birthday early. The meal was beautiful. We sat outside near the river, where it was still warmish, drank some nice Yarra Valley Sav. Blanc, and ate while the sun set. Aaaaaaaaw!

I have to mention the meal, because it was so nice! I had the 'Bluff Point Pork Belly' for entree and then some Kingfish with Gnocci for the main meal.

After spending a week away from Shane, sleeping on my friend's couch, it was really good to spend some time together again. I know this post already sounds sickeningly sweet, but it really did feel like we were dating again *-*

So we are living together again. I think there are still are few things to talk about. We haven't really discussed anything in depth yet, as I just wanted us to spend some time together and enjoy each others company without talking about the events of the past week.

2008-01-30T20:15:00.000+11:00

So, I have been kicked out of our house and I am currently staying with a friend until Shane makes a decision regarding our relationship. It's killing me, but I guess that's life. I know that I am strong and will be able to get through this.....eventually. If we do break up though, I don't know if I will ever get over the way in which it happened, and the fact that we broke up in such bad terms.

2008-01-29T11:38:00.000+11:00

I was going to blog about the holiday that Shane and I had at the start of January, and blog about the fun weekend I had at the Rainbow Serpent festival, but it's just not the time to be blogging about fun times. I came home yesterday from the festival missing my boyfriend madly and wanting to give him a huge hug, and then it happened.

Shane and I had a huge fight. He said he wants to break up and isn't interested in talking about it. I just don't know if this is something I can just get over. He is my soulmate, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now over a ridiculous misunderstanding, he doesn't want to be together anymore.

It hurts :(

2008-01-15T09:45:00.000+11:00

Hot Dog! Hehehe

It's eight o'clock and I've got nothing to do

Can't go to the club so I guess I'll go to the record store

Visit my record man with my sticky hands,

Walk out that record door with records in my clothes

2008-01-15T08:48:00.000+11:00

I have been away on holidays so I haven't really had the opportunity to post about New Years Day, or even my goals yet!

New Years Day Shane and I, and a few friends went to the Stokehouse in St Kilda. I had never been to the Stokehouse before. It wasn't a bad place to be on NYD because the weather was quite warm at the time, and at the Stokehouse there was a nice breeze coming in from the sea. It was nice to stand on the balcony and have a few drinks as the sun set, although the DJs weren't particularly fantastic, considering it was a NYD event. When I am celebrating the New Year I like to listen and dance to music with a bit more energy :)

It was a nice day, even though I lost my new, one-day old sunglasses(and they suited me really well too, which is rare) somewhere between the Stokehouse and going back to my house. Maybe it happened when I stopped at Coles to get something disgustingly fatty to soak up the alcohol. I am healthy normally, but I only have to consume a few drinks to suddenly crave something fried or oven-baked! That will teach me! :)

2008-01-03T22:11:00.000+11:00

I was bluetoothing some images from my old phone to my laptop today(did I mention that I got a MacBookPro a couple of months ago?) and found some photos of my grandmother in hospital from a couple of years ago when she had one of her first major falls. It was Easter, and she was wearing a pair of bunny ears on her head. I could feel my heart sinking all over again.

At least when that happens though, it allows me to grieve - something that I don't think I have done enough of yet. Sure, I have gone through all of the emotions, but I keep thinking that surely someone like her deserves more? It's as though I am scared that my life will continue on without her before I get the chance to grieve properly. I would really like to get away from it all and think about her without the distractions of my everyday life.

Reflections

2008-01-01T08:54:00.000+11:00

I love this time of the year. Every New Years Eve I usually sit down and plan out my goals for the next year in great detail. We are going to the Stokehouse today, so I may not get the opportunity to plan my goals out until tomorrow, but I have a list in place until then.

Firstly though, I would like to reflect on my year. Usually I like to think about the events that have shaped me, and my personal accomplishments. There is no doubt that these lists will be altered over the next couple of weeks as I have more time to think about it :D

2007

Events:

Shane moved in with me, and four months later we moved into a beautiful apartment together(where I threw my first real party). I discovered that I actually like living with someone!
I attended a really good DJ course(far more informative then any other course I have ever attended), found a very helpful private DJ teacher Gavin, and dramatically improved my mixing. I bought my first DJ setup, and I also played my first set ever
I took Phil to court and got a court order placed against him, even though he has only payed me back 1/4 of what he owes me. At least I got something from him!
I got braces in September and was advised to get Orthognathic surgery(jaw surgery). I only have to endure the metal for 16 more months! I am getting used them now though :D. As for the orthognathic surgery, I am getting that this year sometime.
My grandmother passed away. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but has changed the way I approach life.
I sorted through some issues with my sister Carolyn.

Personal:

I became more comfortable about approaching and talking to people. I have come to realise that I suffer from social anxiety. I love being around people, but I often feel nervous, anxious and self-conscious when I am around others, particularly if it is someone I don't know very well. Over the past year I have started to change the way I think when I am with people; ie, rather than thinking "this person doesn't really want to be around me, I am probably boring them, I tell myself "this person is my friend and loves my company". I know it sounds wanky and Anthony Robbins-esque, but I believe that it is the only way to break the pattern of negative thought.
As many people do throughout their lives, I have gotten to know myself better.
I learnt how to stand back from a situation and form my own objective opinion on a matter
This is both an a event and a personal accomplishment, but I eliminated those people from my life that have caused me aguish. ie, people who take from me and do not give anything in return, who rob me of my time and energy, who do not add to my 'life force'
I learnt to value family more. Although my family are not always on the same wavelength as me, they provide me with grounding. They remind me of what is important in life; love and laughter.