A lot of my posts seem to revolve around my insecurities. Growing up I used to absolutely dread the thought of being placed in most social situations. I would shake, blush, my mouth would become dry, and my throat would close up if people spoke to me. I still revert to those ways sometimes, but I am trying my best to get rid of my social anxieties once and for all.  I thought that maybe I would "grow out" of it, but I think I should stop expecting it to just eventually "go away" like the common cold. If I still suffer from social anxieties at the age of 26, it must be deep-rooted. The only way I am going to change my behavioral patterns is by being tough with myself, and placing myself in as many potentially confronting social situations as possible.

Volunteer work seems to be helping. I started volunteering with the RSPCA because I love animals and wanted to help the community. I also commenced work with Amnesty International and the Australian Conservation Foundation to help develop my media portfolio. I have found that, besides being of benefit to the community and adding to my resume, that volunteer work clearly has allowed me to develop my confidence in social situations.

Every year I have made promises to rid myself of my social anxieties, but I think that is only becoming a realistic goal now that I have become wise to a few things. For all of my life I have been a victim of my own fears. I have let my social anxieties prevent me from fulfilling my potential, living life, and feeling comfortable and confident in many situations. How can I truly enjoy time with people when you I consumed by thoughts as to how other people must be evaluating me: "I must be boring them/they are just catching up with me because they feel they have to/is my face blushing?/please don't do anything to humiliate or draw attention to yourself".

It's so easy to become a victim to these kinds of thoughts and feelings. I have allowed them to control me for all of my life. But now I am actually prepared to use all of my strength to shut down these patterns of behavior. That is how I know that this time I am actually moving a positive direction. :D

xxx

I am currently looking for a new job. I am actually putting a lot of effort into it too. I have undertaken "job hunting" before where I have just browsed the job ads and maybe applied for a couple without putting much effort into it, but the last few days I have spent hours perfecting my resume and cover letters, cold calling/emailing publications, and writing lists of short courses I can do to update my skills.

Why do I want a new job? I've been in the same company for about 4 years. My boss is becoming a real prick to add to that. When you have been in a company for a long time, they either look after you really well, or they start to really take advantage of you. My boss is doing the latter. He just assumes that I will work the hours they would like me to without hesitation, and when I don't, he questions what else I could possibly have to do that is more important! The last few years I have put way too many hours into my work, and given the job and the company priority a lot of overtime, and now my boss has come to expect it.

Today, on my day off, the boss said a few things to me that really illustrated just how much I am taken advantage of, and just affirmed to me that I have been there waaaaaaaaaay too long. I never even wanted to get into Marketing! Why am I still even in the industry? :|

Even just looking for a new job is making me feel so much better. I am even going to get a professional website with an online portfolio to promote my writing. I wish I could design it myself, but I don't have Illustrator/Photoshop :(

I wish I could get away with Faith's(Mirror's Edge) hairstyle ;(

I got a sweet little email from my mother today telling me that my grandmother left a small amount of money in her will for me. I immediately burst into tears, maybe because, even though it was a small amount, it was a gift from her, and now, when I am ready, I can get something special to keep with me and remind me of her.

I told myself when she passed away that I would never live the same way again. She always grounded me, and I always found her so inspiring. I told myself that whenever I went through times of 'weakness', I would remind myself of her strength and selfless nature. After her death, I tried to get on with my life, and made the mistake of getting back into my same old habits and routines. I think today I was reminded of the promise I made myself to change my life. It basically involves me not being so afraid all the time. Quite non-specific, I know, but I'm not about to go into a spiel about what I'm afraid of. I am not sure that I even know sometimes. I would consider my social anxiety to be the main one, but it's such a complicated thing, because it clearly stems from something else.