So, I am finally enjoying my time in Europe. I went to Oktoberfest in Munich last week on a little 5 day Contiki trip. I was worried that the tour would be full of idiots, but out of 102 people on the tour, I actually met some decent people.

Three people in particular really made my week. They are from Katherine in the NT, and were really lovely, down to earth people who didn't seem to be trying too hard to be something they weren't. Or maybe the others on the tour were just naturally loud, overconfident people. I will admit that judging people based on their behavior at Oktoberfest probably isn't the best idea though, particularly when the average amount of beer consumed during one day at Okto probably equates to AT LEAST 7 litres of beer.

Going to Munich on a bus full of people competing for attention did remind me of school trips though. It felt so much like a school trip that I had to remind myself that it was now okay to sit at the back of the bus. Hehe...

So, I can safely say that I had a great time, although I still feel a bit run down from consuming litre upon litre of beer and eating mass amounts of meat and bread for three days :s

My boyfriend Dave has done the most wonderful thing. When he heard that I was going to sell my camera so that I may travel over the next month he simply would not let me, and insisted on lending me the money that I would have made had I sold it. Not because he is a control freak, and nor does he have a lot of money. It may be a material item, but Dave understands that it's not just a camera. He knows the joy I get out of that camera. Photography is an outlet for my creativity, it's a way for me to document my travels, a method of capturing and communicating to others the things that I find fascinating in this world.

The fact that Dave understands all this, and did this wonderful, amazing thing for me simply because he did not want me to sacrifice something I love, just shows to me how much we are on the same level, and demonstrates to me what an amazing individual he is.

I did not necessarily know when I met him that I would end up spending the rest of my life with him. Although we have only known each other about 1.5 years, and have only been 'going out' since March, I just know that he is my best friend and life partner, particularly when he does such beautiful things like this for me without hesitation.

Should I sell my camera so I can travel comfortably over the next couple of months?

It's a beast and I love it like I would my child, but I am so sick of not having enough money to travel properly... :(

My internship finished on Monday, and now I am trying to get enough money together to travel. It's so fucking hard to find a job here that will give me enough money to be able to travel here though. And I miss Dave. As he has told me before, this is my journey, not his. But I am so tired of not being financially secure. I hardly did a thing in London whilst I was doing my internship because I was working so hard, so I didn't have the time or the money.

Now I have the time to travel, I just need the money :s

It would be so easy for me to get all upset right now and go home, but if I go home now, I will just be disappointed.... 

I had a really good(long distance) talk with Dave last night about something which has bothered me for sometime, and something which I have posted about many times over the years. 

Yesterday I returned to see some of my friends who I met through the backpackers a few months ago. I arrived at the backpackers(yes, they live there) and all of a sudden, confronted with these people I hadn't seen in awhile, I just retracted into my "old self".  Admittedly, my "old self" is obviously still a part of me. It is a part of me that I would like to get rid of though. It is a part of me that is sometimes a little too concerned about what other people think, someone that would sometimes rather stay at home and watch movies or even research for work than place myself in what I see as a potentially humiliating social situation. It has always been there - even when I was little and was too scared to go to classmate's birthday parties because rather than necessarily seeing it as a fun thing, again, the thought of it scared the shit out of me.

So yesterday, when visiting some of my friends, I found myself reverting back to my old self . Rather than enjoying the moment, I was feeling a bit too self conscious - wondering if they really wanted to be there with me or even cared that I was there. I couldn't relax or be 100% myself because I was worrying too much. On the way home I felt angry at myself for being 27 and still concerning myself too much with silly issues like that. 

The "old me" has gotten in the way of me enjoying my life in the past, and I refuse to be dominated by my emotions anymore. As Dave explained to me last night, I can't just snap my fingers and change something so deep rooted. He does have a very valid point, and I agree with him, but this is something I have been trying to change for years, and I am so sick of letting fear have influence over the experiences I have, and they way I interact with people. 

I just finished an interview with a climate scientist from NASA. It was so much fun! 

I know I must have sounded like an absolute moron to a climate scientist and physicist who has been studying climate science for about 35 years, but I managed to pull through it. It made me realise how much I need to work on my interviewing skills though. I seemed to use the word "definitely" and "hmmmm" a lot.  :s  In other news, it only cost me $1 AUD to call his landline in the U.S for an hour via Skype. What the? I added $30 to my Skype credit before the interview just in case - at these rates I probably won't get through that in a million years! :s

It's been too long between posts, as usual. Here I am, in London, rediscovering myself, having many, many things to write about, and I haven't been posting at all. 

What originally began as a mission to get some media experience in London has turned into a journey of self-discovery. It is amazing how coming to London without my boyfriend, friends, and family, without barely knowing anyone, and starting a new job has helped me to piece together who I am as a person. I will try not to say that I have "grown" as a person -  I have, but it is not the most fitting description. Instead, I will say that I am starting to discover and identify things about myself. 

I have never had a particularly good sense of self-awareness. Living in London has placed me entirely out of my comfort zone and has forced me to  examine myself, and I have realised that the perception that I had of myself was quite distorted.

I thought I had developed into now a confident, self-assured person who was outgoing and could be fun and the life of the party. I also thought that I had overcome my shyness. WRONG. 

I have frustrated myself to no end at work, because I have a lot of ideas and ambition, but I have reverted back into this person who is sometimes too scared to approach some of my colleagues unless it is absolutely necessary(apart from the advertising guy I sit next to that I feel totally comfortable with). Part of me even wishes I could just email everyone rather than approach them personally. I am a journalist. This is by no means a good thing. I want to ask my 26-year old editor why the hell he wont hurry up and read my article on the Yanomami tribe which has been sitting on his desk for a month, but I am too scared. Rather than sitting down with my editor and discussing my article ideas, I email them to him - because I am too scared. Rather than approaching my boss and telling him that I needed to take Monday off to do a few things, I waited until he was on holiday last week and emailed him.

It's not only with my colleagues, but also interview subjects. Rather than calling people to ask them questions for articles, again, I email them.

Working at this magazine has made me realise, generally, how scared I am. I am scared of doing the wrong thing, scared of embarrassing myself, scared of attracting negative attention.

I do know that I have a lot of ambition. I like throwing myself in the deep end and trying new things. Provided, that is, that too many people aren't watching.  How does that work? I have a lot of guts, but I can be self-conscious and fear public humiliation.